Diary of a tear...

*Drip drop drip drop…*
 

I'm a tear... I represent emotions... Deep internal inexplicable emotions... Happy, sad, pleasure, awe... I have fallen many times... Both literally and metaphorically, for everything in this world has the right to love... 

I always felt that I'm the one who bad relations always choose... But sometimes I wonder if I am the one who falls into weird and wrong relationships or is it them who fall for the wrong person? Am I the one not meant to be in a relationship? Is it me who is the insensitive one who cannot understand the love and the emotions? I was never much of a romantic, and the fear of intimacy has left everyone confused. May be it was a bit of them, may be it was a bit of me, every relationship died the same way… And I let it, I just watched it burn… I could have saved it in million ways, but I didn't… I'm volatile, and I can be the worst they could have ever met… I make choices and even though i see fire at the end of the tunnel i dash into it with full speed with no protection…

We all have our egos and our gentle giving sides… I must have never balanced mine… I'm so fucked up… serene on the surface and the most adjustable person ever, but my head feels like on a never ending unsatisfying, inconclusive war… I have adjusted every time, perhaps to see if I fit in. Oh yeah I fit in! I am a real good chameleon… But it only proves that I am so good at finding the flaws, finding the wrongs, finding the negativities, finding what makes me tick, what i hate… May be its a process of growing, finding oneself? Well, I am fucking tired of finding myself… May be it is the first time I can actually sympathise with the runaway bride…

Why do we feel the need to love? Do we even need it at all? Is it worth all the heartaches, the guilt, the disappointments, the endless despair for starting over? Couldn't it come with a reset button? Every time we felt it was all going wrong, just press the button and voila, no more tears and goodbyes…

We want and want and want… And in the end, most things are materialistic that we can do without. Most things are replaceable, and now, guess even people… What is the point in yearning then? Am I too cynical? May be so… Am I crazy? Absolutely… I think I cannot understand my own self anymore… May be it's time to reset myself first… Start all over… Change every thing… Take ALL the time it would take to remodel myself. Perhaps it will work, perhaps its another rouse that I'll fall into, concocted by my ever convoluted mind. Perhaps there is no solution… Perhaps I have found and lost it already… Perhaps I'm too late… we would never know…

Are we afraid to give each other 100%? Are we too scared to be hurt? Should we be hurt? Should we be afraid? Should we hide instead? Should we brave up and move on? Or should we turn around every time the brows frown? How do we feel alive? Shall I dance in the rain so no one can see my tears and only feel my ecstasy? But isn't it going to be just the same? The hour after the party's over, when everyone's gone, and you are left with the mess, all alone! There is no end to it… May be I am meant to be alone forever and bear the pain that comes with it, perhaps it is better than the pain of hurting over and over, with every failed relationship… Cause perhaps, I am afraid to lose it all again, too afraid to fall… But then again, I'm a tear... My sole purpose is to fall...

*Drip drop drip drop…*